zuke bread

20 Jul

when a coworker brings you a zucchini the size of a newborn baby…

i recommend making zucchini bread.

i also recommend pre-gaming the bachelorette/preparing to grate a beast of a zuke…

with makers on ice.  in a ball jar.  the sweet tea of kentucky.

i don’t recommend grating continuously until you get a cramp.  take several breaks and sip wisely.

grate until you have 2.5 cups of packed zucchini.  that may be half of a behemoth sized zucchini.  it may be 4-6 regular sized zucchinis.  if you grate extra you could make zucchini latkes…

or i recommend saying the hell with it and adding another cup of grated zucchini to the recipe because the bachelorette will be coming on in like an hour and you don’t have time to cook dinner.

in the bowls


1 cup oil (easily substitute half applesauce and half oil…or all applesauce.  i didn’t have applesauce and i like to live dangerously.)

1 t vanilla (or 2 if you really like vanilla)

2.5 cups grated zucchini (3.5 if you just don’t give a care)


2 cups brown sugar (or just empty what’s left in the bag, it can’t be too far off)

3 cups flour (1 part whole wheat 2 parts all purpose – or whatever ratio you feel comfortable with at this point in  your pre-gaming)

1 t salt

1 T baking soda

1 t baking powder

1 T cinnamon plus an extra dash for your health

1.7 t nutmeg (or 2 t if you have a enough)

that other bowl that looks questionable:

flax egg – 6 T ground flax seed plus 9 T warm water (or .5 cups + 1 T warm water if you lose count easily)  let the “egg” sit for a couple of minutes so it can gel.  it’ll look kind of weird but it works.

mix egg into dry ingredients and then fold in wet ingredients.  if you’ve finished your drink and are feeling frisky…

dump some dark chocolate chips in your bowl.  i dumped a whole bag – minus the half cup i used the other day…minus the handful i grabbed off the top of this bowl before stirring.  if you want to keep this vegan look for dark chocolate chips that do not contain milk fat in its ingredient list.  you could also add carob chips or walnuts.  i don’t like walnuts.  and i knew i was going to serve this at work and people would look at me funny if i said “carob chip vegan zucchini bread.”

i hope you preheated your oven to 350.  if you didn’t.  do so now and have another drink.  it’s recommended if the bachelorette is coming on shortly.

also recommended?  a photo shoot.

i recommend not looking crazy.  do as i say.  not as i do.

ok.  is your oven ready?  that’s not a innuendo of any sorts.

if you didn’t grease your pans, do so now.  (also not an innuendo)  you will need 2 loaf pans or a loaf pan and muffin pans.  or some combination of pans.  make it work.

stick ’em in.  definitely an innuendo.  i recommend 6th grade humor to better prepare yourself for the bachelorette.

45 minutes is a good starting point for loaf pans.  if you’re using muffin pans they will cook quicker so check those babies out around 30 minutes.

my oven always takes longer to cook things.  i believe they weren’t done until around the 60 minute mark.

if you’re unsure, slide a knife in the middle and if it comes out clean they’re finished!

if it comes out ooey-gooey covered in chocolate, close the oven, try not to burn your tongue while licking the chocolate off, and let the breads cook for another 3- 5 minutes before checking them again.

if your breads are hard as rocks and smoke is coming out of the oven, you’ve clearly had too much to drink and aren’t going to make it through the bachelorette.

if you’ve never cooked with a flax egg and are a hardcore doubter…

perfection!  vegan chocolate chip zuke bread.  let cool for 5-10 minutes before slicing.

I recommend letting your boyfriend eat half, taking one loaf to work, and giving the other half to a friend.


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