i’m ashamed i watch this much tv

19 Jul

i was so upset with twitter last night.  i couldn’t get my snark on or read anyone elses.

i also forgot my camera this morning.  no pretty pictures of the lovely zucchini bread i made.  i’ll share tomorrow.

instead.  let’s rant about the bachelorette since we didn’t get to live tweet.

hometown dates!

constantine – i’m not all too sure how constantine is still in this race to wed ashley.  they spent like 6 hours together, and even ashley doesn’t seem to know much about him except that he’s…hot!  which is what all great relationships should be based on.  the whole hometown date looked like this:

it was all too stereotypical for me.  but seriously, constantine seems like a sweet guy except for the fact he’s on this show.  i can’t imagine how he’s not already scooped up – all those waitresses at the restaurant were pretty googly eyed at him – or were they related?  i couldn’t tell.  did anyone notice constantine’s grandpa’s accent and how he kept calling ashley assssley?  i laughed so hard.  oh assley.  i also enjoyed grandpa making it rain while the kids were dancing.

next on the chopping block – ames.  or as the boyfriend’s brother refers to him – quasimodo.  ames is so doe eyed and looks like a lost puppy.  perhaps he’s still suffering from that concussion.  his mom thinks he looks healthy.  and tan.  and holy moley do they have a beautiful yard.  again with the stereotypes, but these people are white bread through and through.  they are sipping on what appears to be mojitos or some kind of spritzer and talking about their travels around the world together.  which isn’t unusual for ames.  his mother tells assley that her son is SMITTEN with her.  assley logs this word away to use later.  seriously.  i never hear smitten and i hear it twice on this episode.  i can almost see ames’s mother’s thoughts of ivy league grandchildren.  veneers for all!  also.  ames’s mother.  is she a gold digger or does she really have bad luck choosing spouses?  how can both of your husbands die of cancer?  that’s some shitty odds.  i feel bad for ames, but also get the feeling mom was married to really old dudes.  ames takes assley to a wooded area to woo her with his big words.  he talks about their chemistry and blah blah blah.  assley is looking straight through him trying to decide what kind of reception hall harvard has and if her tattooed sister will fit in when the families meet.  when ames is through talking assley tries to pretend she understood what he was saying and giggles.  then they ride off on a horse drawn carriage.

my personal favorite is ben, or as i like to call him, the hotter of the long haired guys, is next.  best date ever.  hello.  they aren’t just doing wine tasting.  they’re tasting wine he made.  himself.  at his own business.  cheers.  ben is clearly preparing assley for the worst.  he knows his sister and mom can be complete bitches and he’s trying to let assley know as nicely as possible.  i’m pretty sure it’s this reason alone only one girl has ever met them.  we meet mom and sis.  whoa.  they are ice cold.  i kind of feel bad for assley.  but then i remember she’s dating 3 other guys and if my baby boy had recently lost his father and had the chance to have his heart broken…i would totally be bitchy to this girl for possibly stringing my son along.  his sister is super tall, and she’s  letting assley know she could kick her ass if she needed to.  ben’s family makes me really uncomfortable.  the zucchini bread i was baking was done at this point so i kind of stopped paying attention.

jp was last.  i know jp is a favorite and predicted to win.  i, however, think he has a temper and acts quite childish.  i feel he’s tried to keep it to a minimum in front of the cameras but i can see right through it.  i’ve dated a couple jp’s.  he tries to get sympathy through his little temper tantrums which he explains the fact that he feels jealousy is because he must really like her.  i see it as a way to control assley and get what he wants.  assley has such low self esteem that she will fall for the pouting in fear of losing him.  true love.

anyways.  they roller skate.  i also check the mail.  i have no idea what they said during the date.  i doubt it matters.  i do catch her meeting jp’s mom.  they are both tiny and squeal and giggle.  the best part of the meeting was jp’s mom pulling out a giant signed poster-picture of jp from his bar mitzvah.  it was cute.  he’s cute.  but childish.  very childish.  when assley is talking to jp’s mom she tells her she is SMITTEN with her son.  ames would be so proud.  jp’s mother is excited.  it’s exactly what she needed to hear.  they squeal.  they giggle.  i think they should just adopt her and avoid a marriage.

commercial.  what i find most disturbing is the fact assley keeps saying she wants to be engaged at the end of this whole ordeal.  it doesn’t appear she knows any of these guys all too well, but dammit she wants to put a ring on it!  chill out girl.  go on a couple regular dates.  ya know.  to the dollar movie and applebees.  see if you still want to spend your life with some guy after he eats his weight in garlic mashed potatoes.  these are the things that matter in the long run.

confession.  i started making coconut butter during the rose ceremony.  i couldn’t hear the tv.  i got the gist though.  i would kill to be so petite and cute like assley.  but seriously.  the dress she was wearing?  it really accentuated her…rib cage?  her support panties?  what was showing through that dress?  it was distracting.  i think if you’re wearing that kind of dress you’re trying to say “look at my bewbies and check out my legs,”  but the only thing going on were her ribs.  hot.  i kind of liked not hearing and just watching ames’s expression.  he totally looked caught off guard.  his eyes were full of shock and he kept looking from side to side as if he thought perhaps he was getting punked.

my favorite part of the episode is next week’s preview.  i think ryan p comes back.  i also can’t wait to see the drama between assley and her tatted up sister.

i’m sorry if i got this recap wrong in places.  i was half paying attention.  does it really matter?  i didn’t think so.

until next week my friends.


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