25 going on 82

14 Mar

you know how i know i’m getting old?

the following is a list of things i would have never said 3 years ago:

i hate crowded parking lots.  i would rather walk a mile to the entrance than fight the mall traffic.

i also hate the mall.  what’s up with all the brightly colored leggings?  when did12year olds start wearing makeup?  and why are the boys wearing, what appears to be, leggings as well?  also.  where are their parents?!  how do they walk and text at the same time?  at what age can you start shopping at forever 21 and at what age do you have to stop?

i hate crowded trendy restaurants with standing room only waiting.  i’m not sure where i’m supposed to wait for my table.  i would sit at the bar, but it’s also packed with people waiting to be seated.  i also only ever want to sit in a booth.  who wants to sit in the middle of a restaurant with a couple merely inches away from your own?  unless of course it’s a thai or indian restaurant.  i’ll make exceptions.

when did i become so uncool?  i remember distinctively telling my best friend in college that every night we went out to party was like dressing up for some sort of themed party.  i always had an “outfit” – a whole look complete with hair and make up.  i wore heels that made me as tall as the boy i was with.  i would go shopping for hours to find fun clothes and stylish accessories. i wore dresses shorter than some of my current tops.  why did i wear sunglasses at parties?  why did i carry such a huge purse?

now my look consists of yoga pants or running shorts, a t shirt from some race,  flip flops or some sort of slip on flat.  at some point i switched to sports bras over regular bras.  i carry a huge purse and not because it’s stylish.  i carry a huge purse that holds lotion, tylenol, tissues, feminine hygiene products, chapstick, hand sanitizer, dog treats, chocolate (never confuse those last two – inducing regurgitation for a beagle is disgusting), gum, important papers and documents, halls cough drops, claritin, and miscellaneous lint.

at the ripe old age of 25 i’m ready for my aarp card.  dinners at 4:30.  sweat pants with sas shoes.  can we get a bunco game going?  let’s coupon clip.  is it chilly in here?  where do you get plastic for the couch?  i’ve fallen and i really can’t get up and i’m not drunk.  when did this flight of  stairs get so long?  i like the smell of cat hair and potpourri.  i need to go to the salon to get my hair set.  my support hose have a run in them.  my support hose are also around my ankles.  my boobs make a nice arm rest.  i’m going krogering on seniors day, before my soaps come on.

it’s time for me to go.  it’ll take me 2 hours to get home if i’m going to drive 15 under the speed limit in the left lane.

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